


Restlessness and Books

by MoonLitPrism



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Catra (She-Ra) Needs a Hug, Explicit Language, F/F, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mild Language, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:02:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23591275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonLitPrism/pseuds/MoonLitPrism
Summary: Adora has been doubting her existence ever since she became a member of the rebellion and ultimately She Ra.Except Catra has been caught in the cross fire. She needs help and she struggles to realize it. With her eventual departure of the Horde, Catra seeks out her once and only best friend. At the risk of being punished on both sides of good and the Horde.If only she can get past the nasty habit of flinching.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 52





	1. Restless Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there fellow readers! This ain't my first rodeo but im still an ultimate rookie at writing fanfiction. So, constructive feedback and corrections are welcome. On wards!

Adora hasn’t ever been one to read. At least, not very much. Most of the time it’s a necessity to achieve high marks and encourage the change of being promoted to Force Captain. That changed once she left the Horde after realizing the atrocities they committed. Some would say that her life’s better after joining the rebellion to take down the Horde. But it’s not that of a simple statement for Adora. She lays awake at night, the bed too cold, too soft, too _everything_. At a constant rate, she feels overwhelmed with emotion and thoughts. Her brain won’t shut the fuck off. What would have happened if she had never found the sword? Found out the truth? Found out about everything she was missing out on? Never met Glimmer or Bow or any other of the rebellion members? left the Horde? _Left Catra?_ The what could’ve been? She’s being thrashed by the fraying threads in her brain.

She frowns at the books in her hands, the moon lighting the pages of the book. Night time is her only true down time in the chaos of plans and training. She reads now for entertainment and after a short trip to the royal library, she picked out a couple of books with promising short story’s or covers. Nobody had bothered to tell her about, “never judging a book by it’s cover.” Tch. The book goes on and on about love, about staying positive in the form of a story on a girl named Katherine. The girls only problem is boys and marriage. But what is the actual meaning to marriage? Love, being bound to another person in the form of a document blessed by the Queen? A statement taking place in any piece of jewelry? Having the right amount of affection for another individual? Your true best friend in life…?

She promised to not think about it, but she constantly keeps breaking that promise. She can’t be the only one to think about it in this world. She tossed to the colder side of the puffy, stupid, soft bed and cast the book over the end of the bed in front of her. It’s almost _too_ comfortable to be comfortable. She twists her mouth in irritation, furrowing her brows as she tries not to think about what she left back at the Horde. The bed was cold and subtle weight she once felt at the bottom of the sheet is no longer there and instead a phantom is left in it’s wake. Laying on her side and her arms and legs splayed out around her, her thoughts bleed back towards her current predicament. She left Catra behind. That had been the price she paid. What must Catra be doing right now? Is she struggling to sleep just like her? Is her life better without her or more miserable? Is she Tossing and turning just like her? Adora bites her lip and lets out a huff of irritation.

Opening her eyes, she throws the covers off, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and sitting up. Maybe she can go for a quick, peaceful walk to calm her wrestling inner thoughts. Hastily, she pulls on her boots and stands up, looking around the darkened room. The moon light filters in through the window as she observes the foreign room. Her reflection is thrown in front of her as she stares back at the eyes depicted in the glass of the window. Her golden hair is splayed loosely along her shoulders and makes her look like she had just gotten out a bar fight. She casts a further glance along the furniture and décor in the room. She’s in dismay thinking about the lack of comfort she feels in knowing this is her personal space. Such a big, empty, cold room all to herself. So empty. So, So _empty_. Although, it’s mainly her fault as she requested no additional items to brighten the room up. It just doesn’t feel like it’s something she can be safely emotionally attached to in the long run. I mean, look what happened with her space in the horde. She shivered, goosebumps appearing on her skin. She felt her teeth wanting to chatter but resisted the urge as she walked out of the room, opening the door and stepping into the hallway.

With a pause at the doorstep she contemplates the brash decision of simply leaving, run away, discover herself and start somewhere new. But then she remembers what she still has here. A duty, a responsibility to ensure this war ends in the favor of life and everything good. Everything good in world deserves to end up thriving. She didn’t ask to be She Ra, to be this being that everyone expects to end this war. It seems unfair, but she’s been told that life isn’t fair. She lets out a huff, and then sighs, her breath appearing in a cloud in front of her. She continues down the hall.

She’s behaving like a child. In a favorable world, perhaps she could’ve been more like one. Where war wasn’t the worlds biggest current issue and in it’s place it would be about developing and improving yourself as a person as you wish, to cook with family members or to hang out with friends.

The cold breaks her thoughts and she favors rubbing her hands up and down her arms in a attempt to warm them up. She resists the urge to chatter her teeth and clenches her jaw instead. She glances at the crispy clean marble floors that sparkle with the leaking moon light through the glass windows that align the vast hallways. She continues forwards with no goal in mind and plunges into her thoughts again.

Catra had always been her best friend up to this point in her life and to suddenly have that ripped from her life due to her own choices is something that sent her mind reeling from whiplash. She grimaces as she remembers her interactions with Catra after she favored She Ra over the Horde.

Why is her mind riddled with, _Catra_ this, _Catra_ that? A creek behind her spooks her from thinking any further. She pauses in her steps and her hands still, resting on her shoulders.

“Hello?” Her voice is rough from the lack of use. Damn, when had the last time she had spoken been? What time was it? “Is anyone there?” Her voice echoes once again along the walls of the empty hallways.

Must have been something she imagined then. She turns her back to the hallway behind her with intent to keep walking forwards.

Except it wasn’t.

With a howl from the shadows behind her, she’s sent tumbling to the hard marble floors. She grunts and begins to attempt to regain a more favorable position. A heavy weight on her back holds her back from doing so. Her arms are wrestled behind her back and she struggles against the harsh grip on her head. Her legs flail behind her but are controlled and bound by the body of the figure behind her.

“Don’t scream.” The voice crackles behind her, awfully close to her ear and the side of her face _. So much for a peaceful walk._ “Why shouldn’t I?” She challenges. It comes out more like a grunt more than a response.

“Because. It’s Catra.” The voice is familiar to her ears and sounds awfully tired. A small sound escapes Adora as her thoughts catch up to her.

With a huff from the shadow, she’s pushed into the ground and grip in her arms is released.

The weight is lifted from her back. Adora takes the chance to flip her body into a sitting position as she glances at the black hooded figure. They’re both still on the ground as she observes the hooded figure in front of her. Yellow eyes peek out from beneath the hood and their face is revealed with the help of the moon light.

“Catra?” Her voice is unsteady and quiet.

“Yeah.” Catra sounds unsure and her eyes dart downwards, avoiding Adora’s eyes. Catra reaches upwards and lifts the dark red velvet hood from her head, her ears springing out into the welcoming cold air. Her winter gear is splayed out on the ground and the red velvet bleeds along the marbles bright white. And yet, the red it stunning and sparkles in the moon light. Catra meets her eyes and her smile is shy and her eyes are timid as she makes eye contact with Adora.

Except something is wrong. 

“What are doing here Catra? Are you hurt? What’s happening?” Adora rambles and hastily gets on to her knees. She reaches forward with the intent to inspect Catra but jolts backwards at the harsh flinch that escapes Catra with the gesture. Adora pulls back. That wasn’t normal. Is it a result of Adora’s abandonment…? 

“Are you hurt?” She echoes more quietly this time, her voice barely loud enough to be heard.

“Things aren’t good.” Catra says, quietly and her eyes are once again trained on the ground.

“They’re planning an attack on bright moon tonight.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEASON 5 WAS AMAZING. That's it. That's all imma say.

Days before-  
Catra watched as the rest of the recruits were shuffled into the next room. Suddenly it hits her. She feels so incredibly alone. Shadow weaver turns to her, her body poised and her posture making her seem taller by miles, her figure towering over Catra.   
“I see you failed again. What a pathetic species. Your kind never fails to disappoint me. Even your mere existence is horrible reminder of everything your kind stood for. Look at where they are now. Dead. In ruins. Burned to ashes and left to the wildlife. Perhaps some harsh contact with the chambers will drive your motivation higher.”   
“No, no, please. I did everything you asked for. Leave me alone. Please.”   
“What you need is a reminder of what awaits you when you fail to meet expectations in your training. Perhaps that way you’ll understand what the future is for you.”   
Catra looks up from the ground, her eyes meeting Shadow Weavers haunting look. Shadow Weaver reaches for her arm, her intentions clear. Catra anticipates this and rips her arm away. She hugs her arm to body and her eyes dart for an exit. Her eyes crazed, her breathing erratic, everything is going too fast- Her eyes catch on a dark doorway and she makes a break for it.   
“CATRA!”  
~~~  
Adora stared, her eyes widening and her mouth nearly dropping open. 

“Why are you telling me this?” Adora asked, the bewilderment displayed clear on her face. 

Catra took in a deep breath as she contemplated her next words. 

“I get nothing from staying there. Maybe revenge on you. But at this point I get nothing from that either. Besides, it would put me at the same level as- “, she pauses, finding that she’s unable to voice aloud her thoughts. It’s best if she didn’t let Adora know anyways. She abandoned her, what evidence does she have that she won’t leave again when she needs her the most? 

Adora seems to have recovered from her initial statement, the pause Catra had created stretching into silence. Adora watches her, eyes slowly turning suspicious. But her eyes turn soft and her face tilts forward as she leans towards Catra, slowly lifting her hand again towards her. This time she’s slower than her first attempt and Adora manages to land her palm on her cheek. Adora’s palm feels like ice as she begins to caress the side of her face.   
Catra sees everything in Adora’s stare that she hates. Pity. Concern. Compassion. But Catra can’t help but observe her once best friends face. Her eyes are bright, the light leaving little freckles of shine in Adora’s eyes and her expression giving off a bright aura that Catra can’t shake off. But then it’s gone. Red eyes, a shadow of a face, flickers on Adora’s expression. Suddenly the castle is gone and all that is left behind is the dark halls with flickering light bulbs. The air is cold. Fear strikes Catra and she feels like she’s been dropped into freezing water. Arms are climbing, touch is overwhelming, the yelling is louder- The water laps at her face and begins to pull her down into the depths, her face disappearing underneath the surface of water that is suddenly there an-  
She’s back to reality and Catra turns her face harshly to the left and rips Adora’s hand off her face. She feels herself closing in on herself and crosses her arms as she feels suddenly colder. The temperature must have dropped, that’s all. She was beginning to hyperventilate but inhales slowly and breathes out through her mouth in organized breaths. She huddles and wraps the cloak tighter around her shoulders and arms. Catra feels herself retract into her shell and puts distance between Adora and herself. She’s fine. She’s here and not there. She’s here. Not there. 

“Catra?” Adora is still on her knees and her hands are left midair, reaching towards Catra. She looks alarmed and concerned to the point that she looks funny, it’s almost comical. Catra might’ve laughed in past.

But the past isn’t the present. 

She takes deep breaths and recovers slowly from the small episode and huffs. 

“We don’t have time for this- Look, I’m sorry. Adora, you need to get out of here. The Horde is planning an attack before sunrise. You need to leave before all that is left is ashes and blood. They’re using artillery and alien tech that has destroyed civilizations and planets. And villages. And towns, cities, medical buildings, people, families, children, parents- “Catra stops, the words dying on her tongue and she snaps her mouth shut. She had begun to ramble and probably overwhelm Adora. Unpleasant memories play themselves Infront of her eyes. Catra forces them out of the front of her brain and shoves them as far back into the trenches of her memory. Catra feels her face tighten and she stares dead into Adora’s eyes.   
“Let’s go. C’mon we need to get a move on. Hurry up and get up.” Her voice comes out gruff. She climbs to her feet, her cloak whipping behind her as she sharply turns around and begins to walk down the hall in the direction that Adora had come from.   
“Catra.” Catra hears Adora say, but she keeps walking forwards. Her footsteps make no noise as she stealthy continues onwards. 

“Catra wait. Catra!” 

Catra stops mid step and whips her head around so sharply her hair almost smacks her across the face. 

“What.” 

Adora looks hesitant and a bit taken aback but recovers quickly. Her eyes harden and she continues, “What about the rest of Bright Moon? The castle? The other people, the forest and the legacy?” She sounds determined and her voice began gaining confidence. Adora’s blue eyes had even begun to harden, and her shoulders grew tense. Adora continues.

“I can’t run away. I’m She-Ra and I have a duty. I can’t leave my friends behind-” Adora says, her eyes determined, and she continues but all Catra can hear is-

I can’t run away. I can’t leave my friends behind. 

Ha Ha, she thinks, like it’s funny. It’s ironic isn’t it? Adora using the words that she’s always wanted to hear directed towards her. But it’s not. It’s not about her. It’s about the new friends she’s made here, the people she just met less than a year ago, the very people that they were brought up to hate and kill since they were children. The people that stood against the mission Adora once aimed to accomplish.   
Catra feels herself turn cold and her eyes turn deadly as she glares. Suddenly, she feels anger like she hasn’t felt in months. She’s reminded once again that Adora abandoned her.  
She feels the murderous rage and it burns at her skin. Her fangs make their appearance and her claws begin to unsheathe themselves. She begins to feel her shoulders tighten and feels her jaw clamp up to the point that it’s almost unbearably painful. 

“Shut up.” Catra almost feels childish as she snaps, her voice dripping with venom as she feels her patience crumbling up into ashes. The rage burns. It burns and it wreaks havoc, leaving flames in its path. “Do you even hear yourself?” Catra is seething, flames growing, burning bright and ravenous. 

But the face Adora makes stop her in her tracks before another word could leave her lips. 

“What?” She hears Adora say, barely audio able, her previous sentence halting mid-way at the words. She had been still talking after all. Adora isn’t technically the villain in this story. She is in hers right now. 

In the past, Adora might’ve thrown in a witty retort, something that would’ve made Catra laugh and made her reply with one of her own. It would’ve been like any conversation between two friends. One look at Adora right now though, changes her thoughts.  
Catra sees the confusion, she sees the defensive stance Adora is unknowingly adopting quickly. But worst of all she sees is the fear. The fear she herself had been feeling since Adora had left. When she left, she had taken every bit of warmth the Horde had been providing Catra since birth. All that was left behind is Catra drowning in the cold trenches of Ocean. All that was left is the Horde. 

But the past isn’t the present.

She stills and she feels her like her heart is bursting, the pace so quick it might break out of her chest. Her hand begins to shake, and she feels the cold sweat building on her palms, her back, her neck-   
Her vision feels like it’s blurring and suddenly all she can focus on is that she can’t breathe. The familiar feeling like she’s dying is back and then-

She sees the ground approaching quickly, and she throws her hands forward. It seems futile because her arms won’t listen, and she feels numb at the same time but then- Then her body is stopped from hitting the floor. Warm arms are wrapped around her   
torso and they pull her close.

“Breathe. Breathe Catra. In and out. That’s it. Tuck your head in between your knees. There you go. That’s it. I’m here now. Deep breathes. Focus on your deep breathes. That’s it.” Catra oddly feels herself easily crumble in Adora’s arms, listening to every word, hanging on for dear life as she follows Adora’s every instruction. She’s completely at her mercy. But the next words shock her, echoing through her ears for months to come. 

“Catra I’m sorry. I’m so, so, sorry. So sorry- “ 

“Stop.” She puts it to a stop before she gets the chance to go into another panic attack. 

“Stop. Please.” She says again. Her words this time come out pitiful and pathetic, but she can’t help but feel like Adora needs to hear them. Like she herself needs to hear them.   
They’re both sitting on the floor, the moon shining bright beyond the vast castle windows and the drifting breeze cold. Catra is still breathing heavily, but she’s snug in Adora’s hold. She’s cradled in her arms and she can’t help but feel safe. She didn’t even know that was something she could feel anymore. It’s foreign. It’s unfair how one of the sources she feels this from is the main source of her pain. Right now though, it’s part of what’s making her feel safe.  
She can’t help but feel the surge of emotions overwhelm her. They come in waves and then she finds herself crying in Adora’s arms. She sobs. She doesn’t know for how long, but eventually the floor digs into her skin and reality crashes on her. She turns and hugs Adora, then gathers herself enough to look Adora in the eyes again. Her hands rest on Adora’s shoulders, her palms resting close to her neck. Adora had simply held her the whole time, comforting her in silence. 

“We gotta get going Catra.” Adora quietly mumbles. 

“We can talk about this later, right now let’s warn the others.” Adora says as she picks herself off the floor. 

Catra hands fall off Adora’s shoulders and they land at her sides. She follows Adora’s lead. With a quick wipe of her arm across her face, she wipes the tears off her cheeks and sniffles. Her eyes are probably puffy. Adora stares at Catra, expression indicating that she wants to say something more but Catra can tell she’s holding it back. Adora’s expression quickly turns from concern to a hardened stare as she looks at the nearest exit.   
“Adora?” A voice suddenly mumbles from the shadow of the corridor to Catra’s right. The direction Catra had been heading in. A boy emerges from the shadows, white blouse standing out amongst the darkness of the night. 

“Adora, what’s happening here? who’s that? Is that- “

“Shh!” Adora shushes him quickly, her eyes wide and her arms motioning for silence. She brings a single finger to place on her lips and quiets him down. 

“This is one of your friends?” Catra struggled to get the word out. The word left a bitter taste in her mouth.

“Bow, this Catra.” At the mention of her name, his eyes turn suspicious and his posture turns stiff. 

“The Best friend you had in the Horde?” Bow states, his voice cold and leaking with suspicion. 

“Relax, I’m not here to steal your Best friend. She’s had her chance. She’s your problem now, I don’t want anything to do with her. I’m only calling for a truce. Your home is being attacked tonight and we need to get a move on now. I wasted too much time already.” Catra sneered, her face twisting. 

One look at Adora’s face had Catra regret every word spoken out of her mouth. Adora’s face had dropped, and instead replaced with frozen glaciers. And all of it was directed towards her. Catra’s own eyes widen and her mouth is left slightly a gape as she matches Adora’s gaze. 

“Listen Catra. I just watched you break down on the floor, in my arms and you expect me to buy that? I know that you think I abandoned you, but I’ll do everything in my power to make it up to you. I’m not making the same mistake again. We’ve been friends   
since we were children, our world had only been each other and the Horde. I’m not leaving you again. You coming to warn us is all the proof I need.”

Catra is left feeling speechless, her mouth a gape as all her attention is focused towards Adora. She breaks the gaze and directs her eyes to the floor, tightening her cloak tighter along her arms. She feels her claws burrowing into her arms though her cloak as she struggles to gain a grip on herself. 

“Listen, I’m sorry to interrupt a meaningful conversation, but did you just casually mention an attack on Bright Moon is planned tonight? “

Shuffled steps echo throughout the castle as the three of them head down the corridor. Heavy breaths rattle lungs and white puffs of air float towards the ceiling as they hastily make their way to the meeting room.   
“I’ll go get Glimmer! You two head off and warn the others. Meet at the main room for operations!” Bow shouts over his shoulder, making a sharp left at the next exit to his right. His heavy footsteps and rattling equipment echo in the hallways. Catra and Adora continue running forwards and down the main large hallway, bodies huffing. Catras cloak dances behind her, the red velvet a sharp contrast to the blue and white pathways. She turns to look at Adora to her left. Adora’s hair had been pulled into a golden ponytail. The usual fluff at the top missing and instead a strand of hair is left wildly dancing in the air. She watches as puffs of white leaves Adora’s mouth from the cold and resists the urge to lick her own lips. Adora looks sweaty, the bright flashes of light that occasionally runs along their forms and through the windows highlighting that fact as they run. She seriously needs to gain a grip on herself. That is not why she came back in the first place. Not at all.


End file.
